We all have that one Pandey friend. We are unsuspecting of them. We are naive and we don’t understand they get manufactured by factories funded by the devil himself or herself .. in case devil is a female. And to all the feminists, apologies in advance, my male privilege made me write him before her. I’m ashamed. I deserve harsh social justice punishment. BDSM style. 

K… enough chit chat. Here’s your list..

1. Chulbul Pandey

Well, this guy almost got his own brother and father killed despite his “I’m homosexual so I need to act extra manly” body language. He probably killed his wife’s father too to be able to marry her. Think about it. He wouldn’t let her marry someone because there would be no one to feed him and her father conveniently dies like some kind of divine intervention. And our Pandey conveniently marries her like nothing happened?

He is corrupt. It is obvious. He talks funny but don’t you fall his absolutely charming personality. “Hum tumpe itne ched kardenge” is not a comedic dialogue. It’s him trying to establish dominance and giving us a glimpse of how evil he is. I say he is eviler than Kyser Soze on Kevin Spacey movie “The Usual Suspects”.

2. They don’t have a first name

What’s their first name anyway? No one knows. It’s a fucking 8th wonder of this swine infested world. They can hide something as basic as their own names. Think about it? What else they must be hiding from you. What deep-seated evil plans they must be hatching? They’re preying on your vulnerability. Be warned. 

3. They’re cunning

Well, this one must be obvious. On the surface these Pandeys look cute and fuzzy but if you look deeper you realize how cunning they are. And all of them. It’s like they were manufactured from some “Pandey manufactuing” factory. 

4. Poonam Pandey

Indian Express’ “I created controversies to get noticed in Bollywood”. News18’s “I used to controversies to gain limelight.” There are tons of articles and her own interviews that shows that the level of her shallowness. You might make fun of her semi-nude social media posts but it’s keeping her in limelight. Think about it? That’s pretty darn evil to me. Not as evil as one of my Pandey frenemy making his sole mission to date every Parajuli woman ever to exist but still. 

5. They are Brahmins?

Brahimins are sexist, racist, bigoted. Case closed. 

6. They’re like cats

They come to you when they need you. They purr and make you want to feed you and voila they disappear from the face of the earth. 

7. They feed on your soul

The Exorcist is every Pandey’s favorite movie. But.. the thing is they’re hinting you that they’re feeding on your soul. And they’re letting you know that they can get away with it like Mark Zukerberg can get away from being one of the lizard people. It might also be a test to see how dumb some non Pandeys can get. But those who non Pandeys who are smart enough are also not safe from thier wrath. 

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