ranji can't

Note: For the sake of simplicity, indie south Indian movies and the ones that don’t make it to Hindi dub or a Bollywood remake are excluded because they don’t fit this narrative. Heck, even some Bollywood movies have a really good plot and execution. But when a typical non-south Indian person says that they like south Indian movies, they usually are talking about the worst of those to exist in the history of mankind.  Those are movies we are talking about because “the amount of bad movie > amount of good movies” always. 

1. Superpowers 

To write a south Indian movie, it is very important that you give your lead actor some sort of superpower. It’s usually something similar to that of Captain America or black panther but without a shield or costume because we are pretending that someone who can beat about 100 people up with only a few scratches on their body and someone who can twist a fucking iron rod is a normal human being. It may be executed like that because south Indian moms need to advertise milk to their children. “Drinka this milka, man. stronga bones.” P.S I picked up that “man” from my Banglore days. Why tf do you folks use the word “man” so much? Smh. 

 

2. Gravity is a conspiracy invented by Newton 

 south indian gravity

As an aspiring south Indian movie writer or director, you need to be aware of the fact that gravity is indeed a conspiracy. It does not exist and it should not exist in real life. Laws of physics don’t make sense and they should be discarded. Old American cartoon got that one right.  

 

3. Fair sleazy female lead 

 

 

 

south indian actor

If you can manage it, write an actress that does not look south Indian at all. If she indeed happens to be south Indian, make sure she has a fair skin. Kamal Hasan’s daughter works. You can go darker but not more than light brown. Black is a no-no. It’s not racism. They embrace any caste, culture, creed, ethnicity, religion as long as the actress is fair.

P.S: Make sure that actresses don’t actually have to act. They only serve as a love interest of the male lead. They can indeed be great actresses on their own merit but fuck that. You hire them to look pretty. And that’s what you want from them. It’s better if they’re the ones chasing the male lead. The male lead’s got important things to do, like save the world. He doesn’t have time for chicks or whatsoever. 

 

4. anti-heroes because heroes are super boring 

suriya

Urban dictionary defines it as “Someone who is supposed to be the hero but has a lack of hero qualities, which would mean he or she isn’t pretty, brave or strong or whatsoever a hero should be. 
The Antihero is someone with some of the qualities of a villain, up to and including brutality, cynicism, and ruthlessness, but with the soul or motivations of a more conventional hero.”  
 
In simple words “Someone who is too good to be a villain and too bad to be a normal hero.”

Typical heroes are boring. Make them shit who people actually root for because most people themselves are shit. So, people get validated for their typical assholery. 

 

5. Good triumphs evil

mahesh babu

Learn from Disney. Take our heroes from minor obstructions to their destination. Nothing they can’t solve with their superpowers but there should be a conflict. Conflict is a working formula for every story out there. Just create some minor nuisances for our superhero and help him overcome it and remember good always wins. We don’t have time for bold plots and tragedies. Fuck that. All that matters is that the fools get entertained.

 

6. Plagiarism

Bollywood doesn’t know how to copy. They just present a dumbed down version of a Hollywood movie or they just make an official remake nowadays and still get shit for copying. Even from the south Indian industry. The Tamil movie Gajhini was “inspired” by Christopher Nolan’s Memento. Mahesh Babu’s “Nenokkadine” is basically a south Indian-fied version of Liam Neeson’s “Unknown”. S. J. Surya’s character in “Spyder” is basically south Indian take on the Batman’s Joker. So you get the gist. You take some Hollywood characters or the plot and you south Indian-ify it with  the above-mentioned steps. 

 

7. Character actors 

character actor or character actress is a supporting actor who plays unusual, interesting, or eccentric characters. The term often is contrasted with that of the leading actor.

Character actors are absolutely crucial so that the dumb audience feel like at least the laughter was worth the ticket. You can fuck the plot. Always write a role for Brahamanandam. In case he’s booked, any other character actor can fill in.  

Note: I do know and understand that there are multiple movie industries in south India. Tamil, Telegu, Kannada etc. But you all fucking look the same to me. And I hate you all because I once happened to go Banglore for my further studies. Shit was so traditional that even Kathmandu feels like abroad studies to me. So, fuck ya’ll. 

 

 

 

 

 

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