Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my personal blog. There wasn’t any incentive to do that either, I guess.
To be honest with you, I sort of have stopped enjoying the process of writing. It’s not fun anymore. It’s tedious. Whatever I have written on this blog I wrote it while I was going through a really bad breakup. So I was trying to distract me from my pain by pouring myself on this. I thought I was going to write about things I truly cared about. But, life happened. It always happens. There’s always a conflict between what you want to do and what you are supposed to do. There’s always a trade-off.
So, on a scale of 1 to 0, are you happy? What a weird title right? It comes from a Bo Burnham song titled guess what? “Are you happy?”. He also does say “what the fuck kind of question is are you happy?” in the song. But am I happy?
If I try to remember … I can’t really think of a moment where I was feeling pure bliss. Things have always been bittersweet. More bitter than sweet. The first kiss. Sweet because I wasn’t expecting that and I felt loved. Bitter because I was really worried about fucking things up and also now when I go back and visit that memory … it reminds me of a person that’s no longer there.
On the surface level, I do understand this whole Buddhist philosophy of attachments and having to let go. That is one thing, but I’m not going to sit here and pretend to have felt something that I never felt.
For most of my life excluding early childhood, I’ve been very afraid. Afraid that I could get picked up by teachers at any moment. Afraid that all the giant kids bigger than me, taller than me, stronger than me would crush me into a pulp. Although, that never happened. The big giant kids were mostly nice to me. And some of them are still friends. I got bullied by teachers rather. I wasn’t that bad either. I was in mostly the top 10 in the whole standard. That’s okay, right?
Now, I’m starting to get tired of this cat and mouse game. Telling myself that things will get better. It’s not that they don’t get better. They do but something is missing. I can’t pinpoint what it is. But something is not there.
Life feels like this tasteless dish that I’m eating each day only to survive. I’d much rather not and I’m forcing myself to.
Pretend that you’re okay. Pretend to smile. Pretend to laugh. Pretend whatever the other person said is funny. Pretend any of this makes sense. Get really really angry about things. Troll people. Try to laugh at them because they’re dumb as a kite. Envy them because they’re happy even though they’re dumb as a kite.
When I was 17 or 18 I heard this song from Nick Jonas. The lyrics went “Nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense anymore”. And it still doesn’t.
What do you want to do in life? I don’t know. I still don’t know. What makes you wake up in the morning? Well my dad has a hearing problem so my mom rather talks loudly in the morning and that’s what makes me wake up.
Fuck it. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe something that has stayed with me from the last 8 to 12 years will last with me forever. Maybe I’ll never see the pure bliss so be it.
So from a scale to 1 to 0 … am I happy? Nope . I am not. Are you?